I can’t have happiness until I truly want it…let me ponder that for a moment.

Makes sense to me. Perhaps I am addicted to feeling this way!?! Perhaps I create this feeling and drama because it IS what makes me feel alive and it makes me keep going, trying to find a magic happy cure. By all accounts my life LOOKS pretty good. I have a great husband who works hard and is a good provider. He is supportive and somewhat emotionally there. I have two beautiful daughters who are really well behaved and a nice house to call home and parents who have stuck by me when my personal crap hit the fan pretty hard. I have lost a ton of weight, from 165lbs to currently 120lbs (done mostly through starving myself, no joke) .True I have no REAL friends and true I have ZERO relationship with any of my in-laws and yes I question my religion and have a hard time living it and yes we are in debt some and people call asking for money.

But on the life scale should the entire negative out weight the positives? Should all that be a reason to call it quits and give in to my “demons”?  I know one thing for damn sure. I am lonely or I feel alone. I do want friends but I find the work very draining and to be honest I am a bad friend. I don’t answer the phone when people call and I break promises and dates to do things. Right now I have nothing to offer a friend and yet I still want one. A best friend, someone I can trust and turn to but not be a drain on their time or energy. Now is not the time, I can see that. I guess it’s just another goal that will have to sit on the shelf for awhile longer.

Kelly, I don't think you're addicted to feeling unhappy; I think maybe your life is actually getting in the way of you finding happiness. What I mean is that maybe all the unresolved stuff is overwhelming your efforts. Also, you mustn't forget that you suffer from clinical depression; there's never any rhyme or reason for how you feel when you're in a depressed state - you know this. All anyone can really do is take things day by day, my friend - sometimes, we just have to take things minute by minute...

I have to agree with you that starving yourself is not the way to peel off layers. I know you already know that, but still. My personal opinion is that there are a lot of other things getting in the way of your ability to truly see yourself, to see how beautiful you are just the way you are. But, I believe that if you keep reaching out, if you keep sharing, if you keep trying, things are going to get better. I understand your feelings about friendship, too, so I want you to know right now that I am not going to give up on you. You are worth fighting for, Kelly...

Hon please come read my latest posts they may help.

Kelly, for whatever it's worth to you, I'll be your friend for as long as you want me to be. If that means we only communicate through our blogs, then okay. If that's what you need right now, that's better than nothing at all, right?

Well, I don't quite feel like a million bucks, but I do feel like five bucks. It's definitely party time at my house - and now, I won't even be a party pooper! (Get it? Party pooper? )

Hey Kelly. Are you hiding again, or are you fighting a cold or flu or something? What's going on since you last posted? Are things getting any better for you? Come on back, sweetie; please don't isolate yourself (if that's why you haven't been here for a week, that is)....