I don’t know how to put my thoughts and feelings into words anymore. I guess I have been swallowing them for so long that I no longer know how to get them out.  There is so much I need to say, do, scream but I just draw a blank. Most of the time I feel unheard or misunderstood with my thoughts and feelings.  I feel abnormal and sick.  Some days I want to just sleep and never wake up and other days my heart races and beats so hard that I think everyone can see me having a serious mental meltdown.

I have been to professional help many times (in total about 3 years) and been on a variety of medications. I have used and abused drugs and booze, sex and food (either to little or too much) and nothing seems to “fix” what is wrong.

SO WHAT IS WRONG???

I wish I knew.  Does everyone feel like this? Am I really ill and just can’t see it? Do I just lack coping skills? Do I just need to medicate to the point of being a zombie? Do I go back to starving myself? Should I just over eat? Maybe drinking it away is the answer? Do I turn my back on God? Or do I turn to God?

I just want an answer and I can’t find it and no one can answer it for me.  I am stuck, I feel stuck.  I want to be free whatever that is. I have read (and watched )so many self help, change your thought change your life, the secret, law of attraction etc I could dam near write my own at this point, AND YET the message is good, strong even powerful but it does not stick!

So where does this leave me?!?

LOST!

Kelly, I'm glad to see you're back. You've been hiding yourself for a very long time, my friend...

Keeping in mind that you are really the only person who can know you the best, what I'm hearing in your post is that you've become so filled with the wrong kinds of medication (food, sex, drugs, etc) that you've all but completely blocked yourself up, and the only way to unblock yourself is to give yourself a good cleansing. There are many ways to do that, Kelly; it's just a matter of figuring out what the best way is for you. I can relate to feeling unheard and invisible, and I can relate to feeling like going to sleep and not waking up. Those are very, very negative - and very harmful - thoughts to have, and the fact that you're aware of them is a very good thing. It gives you a starting point, even though you might not be able to see that, right now.

Self-help books/cd's/movies offer different ways for us to help ourselves; they are not the be-all and end-all to life's problems. Take what resonates with you, and leave the rest; it sounds like maybe you're just bombarding yourself with too much information, instead of working with what resonates with you.

Something I've learned over the years, my friend, is that we don't begin to become happy unless we truly want to be happy. I've also learned that becoming truly happy often involves a lot of falling while walking that path, because there are always obstacles showing up when we least expect them. One of the greatest obstacles I've personally had to deal with on a regular basis is my own negative conditioning. Maybe that's what's happening for you, too, sweetie; do you think that might be possible?

Keep writing, Kelly. Even if all you write is that you don't know how you feel, write it down.

Reach out to others, and don't stop. When we isolate ourselves and withdraw from others, all we have to listen to is the sound of our own v

(sorry - the post got cut off)

When we isolate ourselves and withdraw from others, all we have to listen to is the sound of our own voices; that is very dangerous, Kelly...

You are not alone, my friend. You just have to keep reaching out so that you keep learning that...