I can’t have happiness until I truly want it…let me ponder that for a moment.

Makes sense to me. Perhaps I am addicted to feeling this way!?! Perhaps I create this feeling and drama because it IS what makes me feel alive and it makes me keep going, trying to find a magic happy cure. By all accounts my life LOOKS pretty good. I have a great husband who works hard and is a good provider. He is supportive and somewhat emotionally there. I have two beautiful daughters who are really well behaved and a nice house to call home and parents who have stuck by me when my personal crap hit the fan pretty hard. I have lost a ton of weight, from 165lbs to currently 120lbs (done mostly through starving myself, no joke) .True I have no REAL friends and true I have ZERO relationship with any of my in-laws and yes I question my religion and have a hard time living it and yes we are in debt some and people call asking for money.

But on the life scale should the entire negative out weight the positives? Should all that be a reason to call it quits and give in to my “demons”?  I know one thing for damn sure. I am lonely or I feel alone. I do want friends but I find the work very draining and to be honest I am a bad friend. I don’t answer the phone when people call and I break promises and dates to do things. Right now I have nothing to offer a friend and yet I still want one. A best friend, someone I can trust and turn to but not be a drain on their time or energy. Now is not the time, I can see that. I guess it’s just another goal that will have to sit on the shelf for awhile longer.

I don’t know how to put my thoughts and feelings into words anymore. I guess I have been swallowing them for so long that I no longer know how to get them out.  There is so much I need to say, do, scream but I just draw a blank. Most of the time I feel unheard or misunderstood with my thoughts and feelings.  I feel abnormal and sick.  Some days I want to just sleep and never wake up and other days my heart races and beats so hard that I think everyone can see me having a serious mental meltdown.

I have been to professional help many times (in total about 3 years) and been on a variety of medications. I have used and abused drugs and booze, sex and food (either to little or too much) and nothing seems to “fix” what is wrong.

SO WHAT IS WRONG???

I wish I knew.  Does everyone feel like this? Am I really ill and just can’t see it? Do I just lack coping skills? Do I just need to medicate to the point of being a zombie? Do I go back to starving myself? Should I just over eat? Maybe drinking it away is the answer? Do I turn my back on God? Or do I turn to God?

I just want an answer and I can’t find it and no one can answer it for me.  I am stuck, I feel stuck.  I want to be free whatever that is. I have read (and watched )so many self help, change your thought change your life, the secret, law of attraction etc I could dam near write my own at this point, AND YET the message is good, strong even powerful but it does not stick!

So where does this leave me?!?

LOST!